Chuck’s views on stuff

Soccer, soccer, soccer, soccer, soccer, soccer, soccer, soccer, soccer, soccer, soccer, soccer, soccer is the most ubiquitous, widely-played (and watched) sport in the world.  And on near every channel on television about a week ago.  My viewing options were soccer, or Spy Kids.  HUGE selection.  Spain versus South Africa, Iraq versus New Zealand, Spain versus South Africa (yes the same game on two channels).  And Spy Kids II.  Seriously??  I’m so over soccer I actually considered watching Spy Kids II: Island of Lost Dreams.  My Lost Dreams include being able to watch something I’m actually interested in.  There are so many channels (I am privileged (I think) to have access to DSTV) and there is nothing I want to watch.  I just – and I’m sorry to the millions of people duped into liking soccer – don’t think it’s entertaining.  I like sport in general; rugby, squash, tennis, golf, but I would only watch soccer if I knew one of the people actually kicking the ball around.  I sincerely appreciate the immense skill that some soccer players possess – there are things they can do with a soccer ball that I’ve never imagined – and they truly have remarkable skill.  But those things are rarely shown on the field, there’s too much running up and down, too much falling-down-pretending-I’m-injured, too much money that I don’t think is warranted being spent on players and transfers, and too many Vuvuzelas (okay only in South Africa!).

So firstly: The Skill.

The level of skill involved in managing and manipulating a soccer ball - especially at an international level – is astounding and I have respect for it.  I can barely dribble a ball!  However the tricks and awesome manoeuvring in a soccer match become superfluous – goal-scoring takes preference; there’s minimal fancy footwork (is that a cliché?) and the kiff stuff like the soccer-ball-rolled-into-back-of-neck-through-T-shirt trick (*inhales deeply) takes a backseat to mundane back-and-forth passing and running about.

Secondly: Running up and down.

It’s just boring really.  A serve in tennis; a tackle, a scrum, a drop-kick, a line-out in rugby; eighteen different holes in golf, hurdles in athletics: these all make the game interesting (over and above the excitement of competition present in any sport).  Soccer doesn’t have that.  A few goals here and there (like many other sports) with a lot (a lot) of mindless running up and down for 90 minutes.  It’s seriously monotonous.  Have some imagination - like the Columbian goalie who scored a goal (not an own-goal!) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZaNnLL69BP0.  Now that’s worthy of applause - not like the acting injured crap that players punt.

Thirdly: The Acting

This is not a friggin’ theatre – there’s no stage!  I mean to limit or confine sport, or tell it what it has to be – but stop being babies I beg of you.  You’re grown humans with lives and jobs and lots and lots of muscle.  Stop whinging and rolling around on the ground and holding your appendages like they’ve been violated.  It’s also boring, not particularly attractive, decidedly disgraceful, and you’re paid enough not to fake it.

Fourth: The Money

How is an 80 million pound transfer justifiable?  The figure became a world record when Manchester United accepted Real Madrid’s offer for Cristiano Ronaldo in June.  Seriously?  How about sending some New Orlean’s way?  I tried to look up Real Madrid’s annual report on corporate social responsibility but it wasn’t available (?).

All of these things aside, broadcasters please don’t make my alternative(s?) Spy Kids II.  Broadcast a film, or a decent medical drama, or some comedic relief.  Give me choice please!!  Show me fun stuff – impress with killer tricks!  Run a little less and introduce more interesting things – make soccer exciting!  Help me relate in some small way.  And likely soccer doesn’t need my participation or support – 80 quadrillion pounds vehemently proved that – but I don’t see the magic, I don’t feel the thrill.

Soccer has millions of fans around the world; it’s the game of the majority; the game of the slums, the game of the people.  You don’t need much – just a round thing really – balls are made out of plastic bags rolled up.  It’s accessible and easy and (can be) cheap.

It’s not because I don’t understand the game itself – I actually understand the off-sides rule.  But I would only watch if I knew someone that was playing the game – that would interest me.  I’m just asking for an explanation – I truly would like to understand the worldwide phenomenon that is soccer.  Show me awesome tricks and stop the monotony of the endless back-and-forth running; stop acting hurt, get up and play – it’s what you’re paid to do, earn a more normal salary – you are not Superman you don’t deserve it (and he did it for free in any case).

If I can’t be excited about the Confed Cup (I am STOKED that it’s finished), how on earth am I going to manage the mania that is (and is going to be) the 2010 FIFA World Cup?!

And thanks Etv for the attempt to keep non-soccer fans watching television; the creepy chihuahua with its keeping-tongue-in-mouth issue plus bars of soap (for soapies) plus toy Spiderman (for movies) is definately going to keep me locked onto your channel for entertainment.

Not.

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